Bra Nazi
Once a year I make the dreaded trek down to the local mall to replace the most cherished of my undergarments; my bras. This is only a yearly event because the price of a standard over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder borders on ridiculous. I go once, stock up, and put the experience out of my mind until the following year. It's traumatic on a few different levels because 1) I'm not really a "mall" girl, but Victoria's Secret is the one place I can find a non-itchy bra, 2) it reminds me how completely out of touch I am with today's fashion trends, and 3) the "retail assistants" at Victoria's Secret would make Hitler proud.
Immediately upon entering the store, I am "greeted" by a svelte, trendy twenty-something dressed in black.
"Can I help you?" Cold, condenscending and clever. Just like I remembered.
"Yes," I reply, "I need a demi-bra, padded, no lace." I answer. She immediately turns on her heel and heads to the back. I assume I'm supposed to follow, so I meekly push my child's stroller through the maze of scanitlly clad manequin torsos towards the back where the "retail assistant" is waiting with an impatient look on her face. "What color?"
"Nude & black, please." She immediately thrusts two bras at me without asking my size. I looked at the tag; 36B.
"I just had a baby," I offered, hoping for a C cup. Her gaze did not waver; there was no room for discussion.
I took the bras and headed for the dressing room. As I closed the door, I was greeted by a full length mirror; more trauma. Tyra Banks stared over my shoulder.
I was happy to find that the 36 did not accentuate the dreaded "back fat." (girls know what I'm talking about). And since childbirth, the B part filled in nicely. All-in-all, not too traumatic. Tyra looked over my shoulder condescendingly.
"You'll never look like this, sweetheart," she sneered in her trademark model pout. I looked down at the extra 20 pounds, then back at Tyra.
"Yeah, well let's see what YOU look like after you marry a man addicted to Mexican food and pop a kid or two out. Bet your boobs won't be so perky THEN, sister!" And with that, I dropped a kiss on my infants' head before I wheeled her out of the dressing room, leaving Tyra all alone in her sad little dressing room.
Some things are better than beauty.
Immediately upon entering the store, I am "greeted" by a svelte, trendy twenty-something dressed in black.
"Can I help you?" Cold, condenscending and clever. Just like I remembered.
"Yes," I reply, "I need a demi-bra, padded, no lace." I answer. She immediately turns on her heel and heads to the back. I assume I'm supposed to follow, so I meekly push my child's stroller through the maze of scanitlly clad manequin torsos towards the back where the "retail assistant" is waiting with an impatient look on her face. "What color?"
"Nude & black, please." She immediately thrusts two bras at me without asking my size. I looked at the tag; 36B.
"I just had a baby," I offered, hoping for a C cup. Her gaze did not waver; there was no room for discussion.
I took the bras and headed for the dressing room. As I closed the door, I was greeted by a full length mirror; more trauma. Tyra Banks stared over my shoulder.
I was happy to find that the 36 did not accentuate the dreaded "back fat." (girls know what I'm talking about). And since childbirth, the B part filled in nicely. All-in-all, not too traumatic. Tyra looked over my shoulder condescendingly.
"You'll never look like this, sweetheart," she sneered in her trademark model pout. I looked down at the extra 20 pounds, then back at Tyra.
"Yeah, well let's see what YOU look like after you marry a man addicted to Mexican food and pop a kid or two out. Bet your boobs won't be so perky THEN, sister!" And with that, I dropped a kiss on my infants' head before I wheeled her out of the dressing room, leaving Tyra all alone in her sad little dressing room.
Some things are better than beauty.
posted by Kristie at 8:28 AM
3 Comments:
Wow! All that transpired int eh dressing room of VS?
I had a girlfriend that worked for VS once. I was poor when she quit.
As a man, I miss the traditional fashions, all this lime green and hot pink stripe stuff hurts my eyes.
Well, now you don't have to go back for a year.
Loved the post.
~Jef
hey i need some advice, anyone there?
nevermind
i bet there's other better boards i can get help from
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